What pushes your buttons?

Remember a time when you so unexpectedly reacted to something and thought, WOW, that’s not like me ... didn’t feel “that one” coming ... Gosh, my throwing skills are more awesome than I remember and - my personal favourite - ... never knew such colourful words lurked, waiting to explode from the darkest corners of my vocabulary?  Could have been that moment when one or many of your buttons were pushed down hard!

It’s a tough one, but being able to make sense of your own or someone else’s uncharacteristic behaviour can be baffling, shocking, irritating, upsetting ... enough to cause enormous distress and misunderstanding, which can lead to all kinds of strife.  

In a work environment, this type of interaction, when poorly managed, can result in terrible cultural outcomes where organisations and their people become vulnerable and all too frequently, mental health and related issues emerge.  How can we work to change reactions and responses to people’s reactions and responses that  set off a  whole chain of events that can become an endlessly frustrating, painful and expensive cycle?  

I’d like to share a little piece of me that provides genuine insight into how things may look from another perspective …. Many who are familiar with my story, know that the behaviour of high school student, Raelene Bonney, could be accurately described as textbook bully.  What everyone failed to see though, was that inside of me resided a chaos of extreme terror and frustration, coupled with a great sense of worthlessness and helplessness.  When my buttons were pushed the overwhelming feeling was extreme pain and the spontaneous reaction was immediate and intense where I’d often hit out in anger. I was branded a bully, misfit and uncontrollable - consequently isolated by my educators and peers, leaving me dangerously lost, vulnerable and bewildered.

In the “grown-up” world, we hear of many stories where situations are escalated quickly and unnecessarily, mainly due to limited insight, resource, support and acknowledgement for how people are really feeling.  Labels and stereotypes are quickly applied to accelerate performance management and grievance process in order to obtain swift and supposedly, effective resolution.  

In a much dated but exceptionally relevant article, (MoneyWatch October 11, 2007) the writer provides a pretty accurate illustration of what I’m on about. 

Many people blame conflicts on personality clashes, but what we perceive as personality clashes may, in fact, be something quite different. Each of us has our own unique mix of attributes and beliefs that make up our personalities. If we clashed with everyone who is different from us, we would be clashing constantly. In fact, we accommodate—and even enjoy—difference, provided it does not threaten our beliefs or values. Indeed, our lives are richer and more exciting when we see the world from the perspective of others. 

Working with people, helping them develop new and better ways of responding rather than reacting to life – I’ve come up with a “cool tool” that may help take the sting out of the slap.

When buttons are pushed … 

Responding and reacting to situations and events through behaviour that’s out of character, one can experience feelings like anxiety, confusion, shame and bewilderment.

I find, an effective way of helping make sense of these moments, is to imagine your entire body full of tiny red, flashing buttons, each representing every moment you’ve ever experienced in your conscious or unconscious existence.
When a person is confronted with a situation where the reaction is out of character, it’s likely the experience is connected to an event from the past.  For example, if this occurred during childhood and the person is now adult, the reaction may look like childish terror, because this represents the original experience and first learned response which forms a default button.

Another example ... people who’ve grown up in environments where there has been violence, can be hyper sensitive to loud noises (like shouting and arguing), startle easily around unexpected physical gestures and suffer greatly in confrontation.  Their adult reactions could be identical to that of the child who reacted to the first experience.

It’s very easy to think and feel that negative behaviour being projected upon us is a personal assault – when, perhaps what you're experiencing or observing has no connection to you at all. 

Back to my opening question.....

Think, when you next engage in personality combat and conflict, to be reminded of your buttons – at the same time, recognising the flashing light show going off in someone else.   Accepting we can’t and really should’t want to quash a persons natural reaction and response to life we could, instead, embrace a different attitude and deeper understanding of authentic acceptance and genuine, universal diversity.

A quote from my ever inspiring teacher Carl R. Rogers:

“When the other person is hurting, confused, troubled, anxious, alienated, terrified; or when he or she is doubtful of self-worth, uncertain as to identity, then understanding is called for. The gentle and sensitive companionship of an empathic stance… provides illumination and healing. In such situations deep understanding is, I believe, the most precious gift one can give to another.” 


Remember, it's okay not to be okay, and kindness and care can save lives...


Please note this blog is not intended to be used to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease, nor should it be used as a substitute for a health professional's advice. Australia has many Support Pathways that are free and accessible to almost everyone.