What pushes your buttons?

Remember a time when you so unexpectedly reacted to something and thought, WOW, that’s not like me ... didn’t feel “that one” coming ... Gosh, my throwing skills are more awesome than I remember and - my personal favourite - ... never knew such colourful words lurked, waiting to explode from the darkest corners of my vocabulary?  Could have been that moment when one or many of your buttons were pushed down hard!

It’s a tough one, but being able to make sense of your own or someone else’s uncharacteristic behaviour can be baffling, shocking, irritating, upsetting ... enough to cause enormous distress and misunderstanding, which can lead to all kinds of strife.  

In a work environment, this type of interaction, when poorly managed, can result in terrible cultural outcomes where organisations and their people become vulnerable and all too frequently, mental health and related issues emerge.  How can we work to change reactions and responses to people’s reactions and responses that  set off a  whole chain of events that can become an endlessly frustrating, painful and expensive cycle?  

I’d like to share a little piece of me that provides genuine insight into how things may look from another perspective …. Many who are familiar with my story, know that the behaviour of high school student, Raelene Bonney, could be accurately described as textbook bully.  What everyone failed to see though, was that inside of me resided a chaos of extreme terror and frustration, coupled with a great sense of worthlessness and helplessness.  When my buttons were pushed the overwhelming feeling was extreme pain and the spontaneous reaction was immediate and intense where I’d often hit out in anger. I was branded a bully, misfit and uncontrollable - consequently isolated by my educators and peers, leaving me dangerously lost, vulnerable and bewildered.

In the “grown-up” world, we hear of many stories where situations are escalated quickly and unnecessarily, mainly due to limited insight, resource, support and acknowledgement for how people are really feeling.  Labels and stereotypes are quickly applied to accelerate performance management and grievance process in order to obtain swift and supposedly, effective resolution.  

In a much dated but exceptionally relevant article, (MoneyWatch October 11, 2007) the writer provides a pretty accurate illustration of what I’m on about. 

Many people blame conflicts on personality clashes, but what we perceive as personality clashes may, in fact, be something quite different. Each of us has our own unique mix of attributes and beliefs that make up our personalities. If we clashed with everyone who is different from us, we would be clashing constantly. In fact, we accommodate—and even enjoy—difference, provided it does not threaten our beliefs or values. Indeed, our lives are richer and more exciting when we see the world from the perspective of others. 

Working with people, helping them develop new and better ways of responding rather than reacting to life – I’ve come up with a “cool tool” that may help take the sting out of the slap.

When buttons are pushed … 

Responding and reacting to situations and events through behaviour that’s out of character, one can experience feelings like anxiety, confusion, shame and bewilderment.

I find, an effective way of helping make sense of these moments, is to imagine your entire body full of tiny red, flashing buttons, each representing every moment you’ve ever experienced in your conscious or unconscious existence.
When a person is confronted with a situation where the reaction is out of character, it’s likely the experience is connected to an event from the past.  For example, if this occurred during childhood and the person is now adult, the reaction may look like childish terror, because this represents the original experience and first learned response which forms a default button.

Another example ... people who’ve grown up in environments where there has been violence, can be hyper sensitive to loud noises (like shouting and arguing), startle easily around unexpected physical gestures and suffer greatly in confrontation.  Their adult reactions could be identical to that of the child who reacted to the first experience.

It’s very easy to think and feel that negative behaviour being projected upon us is a personal assault – when, perhaps what you're experiencing or observing has no connection to you at all. 

Back to my opening question.....

Think, when you next engage in personality combat and conflict, to be reminded of your buttons – at the same time, recognising the flashing light show going off in someone else.   Accepting we can’t and really should’t want to quash a persons natural reaction and response to life we could, instead, embrace a different attitude and deeper understanding of authentic acceptance and genuine, universal diversity.

A quote from my ever inspiring teacher Carl R. Rogers:

“When the other person is hurting, confused, troubled, anxious, alienated, terrified; or when he or she is doubtful of self-worth, uncertain as to identity, then understanding is called for. The gentle and sensitive companionship of an empathic stance… provides illumination and healing. In such situations deep understanding is, I believe, the most precious gift one can give to another.” 


Remember, it's okay not to be okay, and kindness and care can save lives...


Please note this blog is not intended to be used to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease, nor should it be used as a substitute for a health professional's advice. Australia has many Support Pathways that are free and accessible to almost everyone.

Are you neglecting your child?

Grow Up! Act your age (not your shoe size)! You’re behaving like a baby! You’re an adult now! Stop being silly!

Statements like these, applied to a fully grown adult, could mean there’s an inner child screaming out for a bit of attention.  Think about it? When was the last time you felt a spontaneous urge to laugh out loud (and didn’t repress it because of time and place), coloured in, gave little thought to what’s next, counted the days till your birthday and became so excited about Christmas, you couldn’t sleep.

I started thinking a lot about this when a girlfriend was reacquainted with a photograph that she recognised as her child-self and could not remember what it felt like to be that little girl.  She now takes the faded reminder out each day, telling stories to herself about when she was a kid – the re-connection is having such a positive impact on her understanding, accepting and loving her child-like behaviours.

An article by Stephen Diamond, Ph.D. Clinical and Forensic Psychologist, poses the question “Has your adult self spent time with your inner child today?”

“We are told by society to "grow up," putting childish things aside. To become adults, we've been taught that our inner child--representing our child-like capacity for innocence, wonder, awe, joy, sensitivity and playfulness--must be stifled, quarantined or even killed. The inner child comprises and potentiates these positive qualities. But it also holds our accumulated childhood hurts, traumas, fears and angers. "Grown-ups" are convinced they have successfully outgrown, jettisoned, and left this child--and its emotional baggage--long behind. But this is far from the truth.“

Now, I have a pretty good relationship with my inner child - we spend a lot of time talking, figuring and testing out ridiculous ideas of adventure – we love each other.  Together we manage a very blessed and wonderful career that recently took us to the East coast of Australia.  One of many stops was the lovely town of Gladstone which included two days of leisure and a perfect opportunity to hang out.  In seeking some recommendations from local “grownups”, child-Rae was not feeling terribly inspired by any of the suggestions.  

It was finally through the enthusiastic, advice from an early Gen Zeder that we decided to head down to Agnes Water which has great surf and named as one of the best beaches in Australia.  Oh wow, now child-Rae was excited – practically skipping all the way to Gladstone Reject shop we picked out the brightest of candy pink boogie boards (adult-Rae bought the sunscreen, hat and hired a zippy little red car).

An hour and a half later we found ourselves sitting on the beach at Agnes Water, checking out the waves and having a little bit of an argument around how we should approach.  Child-Rae is screaming “let’s go” and you can probably guess what the other voice was saying?  Anyway, the kid won out and seconds later we were running across the stinging, hot sand to the churning blue surf (not before keys, phone and wallet had been safely secured by guess who?)  All of a sudden we were one, me and my child – catching waves, shrieking so loud that gulls took flight and other kids looked on in admiration. This went on for ages – totally and literally immersed in nature - not caring about much else other than when the next ride was coming. 

After a while, though there appeared a slight separation - the matured and well lived mind - wandering off onto things like work, dinner and getting back before dark – trying really hard to stay focused in the moment by concentrating on the colour of the water, the sound of the waves and the little bubbles that skimmed the candy coloured board was more challenging than expected.  It is so easy to become detached and distracted from our inner child – the part that helps unleash our unrestrained crazy and carefree nature - why would anyone want that to happen – abandon our child?  

A day later, I left the beautiful pink board in the back of the zippy red car but vowed that I’ll never abandon the awesome kid who rode it on that perfect day.

This Christmas, why don’t you do something special for your Child?


In the spirit of all things kids and Christmas, it’s important to know that the festive season can be a difficult and painful time for so many people.  Remember, it's okay not to be okay, and kindness and care can save lives...

Please note this blog is not intended to be used to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease, nor should it be used as a substitute for a health professional's advice. Australia has many Support Pathways that are free and accessible to almost everyone.

Human beings - Everybody needs one

Mental Health week, especially in the past few years, has been incredibly instrumental and effective in illuminating some of the issues contributing to the debilitating stigma and stereotyping that causes agonising suffering for so many.

Rather than re-visit some of the common topics being discussed this week, I feel inspired to make a celebration of the incredibly potent and positive effects human beings can have on one another.  

In managing my own mental health, a favourite practice is embarking on life changing adventures, one of which occurred less than three weeks ago.  This experience had me living on a small boat for 3 days and diving among the steroidal fish tank that is Australia’s miraculous Great Barrier Reef (I can now add “Certified Diver” to my list of accomplishments!)

Perfect sunsets, turquoise water and mind-blowing marine life aside, what literally “floated my boat” was the quintessential motley crew of 38 Jacques Cousteau wannabes which included only 3 Aussies.  Quietly observing human beings at their best, I witnessed a bunch of vulnerable strangers from every corner of the world, provide unconditional friendship support, comfort, understanding, encouragement, kindness and care in this strange and unusual environment.  The result was simply beautiful and something I’ll forever behold.

It reminded me a lot about our workplaces and how organisations can often forget the simple but very powerful truth, that people need to be together and contained in healthy, nurturing environments that have incredibly positive, productive and sometimes phenomenal outcomes. 

In a recent article, beyondblue policy, research and evaluation leader Dr Stephen Carbone said social isolation was a big risk factor for mental health conditions, particularly depression.

"Human beings are social creatures and we do better when we're with other people in most cases," he told the ABC. 

In the spirit of celebrating the beauty of human beings, it’s with enormous gratitude and pride that I acknowledge my own workplace – Who Group really does epitomise an environment that supports mental health and after 6 years, remains free of judgement and stigma.  Our place is one of safety and security where diversity is embraced, as is the reality that it's okay not to be okay.

The collection of people at Who Group is like a tried and true basic and tasty recipe, where the chef at the end, throws in a few handfuls of secret and magical ingredients.

Everyone has a different formula, but something I was reminded of during my recent adventures is that it doesn’t matter where you come from or what language you speak, universally, human beings are better when they are together.

Remember, it's okay not to be okay, and kindness and care can save lives...

Mental Health can positively affect engagement & trust

Our research suggests that an integrated approach to safety, including both physical and mental health can positively affect employee engagement and trust.  Who Group can help support your initiatives through our Human Capital team.  What’s your organisation doing to prioritise employees’ mental health in the workplace?

Please note this blog is not intended to be used to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease, nor should it be used as a substitute for a health professional's advice. Australia has many Support Pathways that are free and accessible to almost everyone.

'How Selfish!!!'

World Suicide Prevention Day 2015

“Please do something about getting people to understand how bad it really feels to live with a mental health condition….” the final request in a note left by a young man who died from suicide, only a few weeks ago. 

His stark and telling appeal, not only leaves a strong message of what should be done, but also a feeling that his life may have been spared through greater understanding, less ignorance and a generous helping of empathy.

In my experience as a young person, I lived in a world, so terrifying at times, dying felt like the only option in ending the overwhelming pain that seemed like forever.  I don’t remember feeling weak, stupid or even selfish - rather, a strong sense of endless hopelessness where nobody cared to listen.
Stigma, judgement and rejection are some of the biggest contributors to why so many people don’t survive suicidal feelings.


The facts
Globally, over 800,000 people die due to suicide every year and there are many more who attempt to kill themselves.

In Australia, suicide is the leading cause of death in men and women under the age of 45, with seven people taking their own lives every day (5 being men).


Myths about suicide
Most ‘normal’ people don’t think about taking their own life
Measuring suicidal thoughts is difficult, but research suggests that thoughts about suicide are not that uncommon at some point in a person’s life, although most people do not act on them.

Most suicides occur without warning
Although there may be some cases where suicide occurs without warning, many people that attempt or complete suicide give verbal or non-verbal clues before the incident. Often there has been a history of personal problems, warning signs, mental health issues, suicide threats or prior attempts. Many people thinking about suicide will tell someone, loved ones and/or strangers, and some will seek professional help.

If someone reveals their suicide plan, you should not break their confidentiality
Any information suggesting a person is contemplating suicide should be acted upon. A serious threat of suicide is one of the few situations where confidentiality must be breached in the interest of saving a life.

People who talk about killing themselves or attempting suicide are not serious – talking about it is just an attention-seeking behaviour and should be ignored
Any suggestion of suicidal thoughts or threats of suicide should always be taken seriously. A person who threatens or attempts suicide is in need of support, whether or not they may be serious about ending their life at that particular time.

Talking about suicide with someone who is at risk may give them the idea and increase the chances of an attempted suicide
Many troubled people may be relieved if the issue is raised in a caring and non-judgmental way, allowing them to talk one-on-one about their feelings and to seek help.

People who attempt suicide are just selfish or weak
People who attempt suicide are often experiencing strong negative feelings, and may believe there is no other solution. People in this situation need professional and personal support, not judgement. 
(Source: A Mindframe Resource for the Mental Health and Suicide Prevention Sectors. www.mindframe-media.info)


How stigma doesn’t work
Desperation, hopelessness, isolation, loneliness and the overwhelming black hole of depression are some of the key factors that can lead to suicide. Unending feelings of being a burden, trapped and alone are all common among people who experience depression.

Many people say that those who attempt or die by suicide are selfish – gutlessly abandoning children, spouses and other family members to take the “easy way out”. It’s said that these weak self-serving people don’t give their survivors a second thought before opting out and pretty much, deserve to die. What may not be known, is that the presence of loved ones gives reason for so many people to stay alive for just one more day.  Perhaps with a simple expression of genuine empathy and understanding by any caring human being, there would be many more days to follow.

My greatest inspiration in understanding the human condition and how true empathy can be expressed is through humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers. Rogers understood that for a person to "grow", they need an environment that provides them with genuineness (openness and self-disclosure), acceptance (being seen with unconditional positive regard), and empathy (being listened to and understood).


"If I am truly open to the way life is experienced by another person...if I can take his or her world into mine, then I risk seeing life in his or her way...and of being changed myself, and we all resist change. Since we all resist change, we tend to view the other person's world only in our terms, not in his or hers. Then we analyze and evaluate it.  We do not understand their world. But, when the therapist does understand how it truly feels to be in another person's world, without wanting or trying to analyze or judge it, then the therapist and the client can truly blossom and grow in that climate." 

(Carl Rogers, 1975)

What can you do?
In respect of our young man’s request to raise awareness around mental health challenges that can lead to suicide, please share my blog with your own people by way of helping de-stigmatise, inspire change and bring a call to action.  You’ll never know who’s listening – just be certain that someone is.  

Remember, it's okay not to be okay, and kindness and care can save lives...


Please note this blog is not intended to be used to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease, nor should it be used as a substitute for a health professional's advice. Australia has many Support Pathways that are free and accessible to almost everyone.

R U OK? It’s more than a question!

Since 2009, R U OK? has grown to become a leading suicide prevention campaign. National awareness reached 65% in 2013, and 1 in 4 Australians took part on R U OK?Day by having a meaningful conversation. (R U OKAY? You Tube)

Not everyone is across the origins of R U OK?, but the story and incredible foundation to what we know, as one of our greatest national events is inspiring in itself.  When Gavin Larkin set up R U OK? In 2009, he was a very successful advertising executive who seemed to have it all. But then his own world collapsed and suddenly Gavin himself was anything but okay. His story is incredibly moving and demonstrates an astounding resilience and determination of precious humanity. (Gavin Larkin Story)

Sadly, natural and authentic conversations around “are you ok?” are not as common on the other 364/5 days of the year.  In a workplace setting, we know that trust is one of the greatest drivers of engagement*, which in turn becomes a key element in the creation of environments that genuinely support mental health.  Unless we’re truly able to talk openly and confidently about not being okay, the astronomical prevalence of anxiety and depression that can often lead to suicide will not improve.

Not everyone is equipped with the words, understanding or confidence around approaching people on how they are feeling and further, what to do next.  www.headsup.org.au  is a fantastic site that gives individuals and businesses free tools and resources to take action around taking care of yourself and others – supporting those difficult conversations.


Quite simply, having a conversation is easier than you think.  Who Group have developed a simple and useful approach that could help, namely the WELL framework.





Australia also has many other pathways of support and crisis management; that are free and accessible to almost everyone Support Pathways

Remember, it's okay not to be okay, and a little kindness and care really does save lives...


Is your organisation is looking to create an environment that supports mental health and committed to eradicating the associated stigma? Who Group can help with tailored coaching and workshops that give insight and demystify “what is mental health”, build confidence in approaching conversations, highlight common concerns and myths – most critically bringing a call to action around better mental health and suicide prevention. Please contact us for further information.

Do you or a loved one need help? Find help now.
R U OK? is a not-for-profit organisation dedicated to encouraging and empowering all people to ask “are you ok?” of anyone struggling with life. Our vision is a world where everyone is connected and is protected from suicide. Find out more: ruok.org.au 

* Source: Who Group Employee Engagement & HuTrust® Trust Study 2014; n = 1047. Presented at the APS Industrial & Organisational Psychology Conference 2015. For further information contact Mira Keresztesi.

Will it ever be OK to not be OK?

When I was a little girl (many of my stories begin like this), my heart was set on becoming an actress, not just any kind of actress – I was going to be famous!! Little did I know, my career would, ironically place me smack bang on a stage as a much less famous but indubitably passionate and committed Mental Health Advocate. I really don’t think I’d have known what any of this meant 30 years ago.

It’s taken a large chunk of my early life to understand my ever present feeling of being different and somewhat disconnected from the world, cohabitating with a personality that ranges from massive highs to debilitating lows and not a lot in between. I experience crippling loneliness, insecurity, paranoia and times when I wish to dissolve due to the overwhelming mayhem that I now recognise as anxiety. Thankfully, this condition also gifted me a super slick brain and mega fast processing skills that have helped me realise I probably live with something similar to what they call Bi Polar - although I prefer endearments such as “eccentric”, “unusual” and “it’s so You!!!” … But who needs a label??

I’m often asked how I balance life with too many jobs, my own practice, a hectic household, coupled with dinner party events that entertain more people than a half price night at Smorgys! Well, here it is people, I DON’T STRESS, but I do experience anxiety and depression - these states of being are rather different beasts. 

Stress is generally a common response to a situation where a person feels under pressure, it usually passes once the stressful situation is resolved. For me, an anxiety attack takes hold like a demon and unexpectedly transports me to a place of such gasping panic that sometimes feels like I’ll never catch my breath …. but I always do….

Mainly because I’ve figured out that having mental health challenge in no way impedes my ability to be a successful, happy and valuable human being.  I've got a pretty good handle on managing my mental health.

There are many ways in which I do this, but the most critical factor in how I deal is largely due to the environments in which I frequent. 4 Different roles and 24/7 timetable, I clearly love and adore going to work - after my cherished and beautiful family; it’s what gets me up in the morning. “What I do” makes my heart beat, defines and gives me purpose. The experience of validation, safety, care, kindness, acceptance and too many other great feelings are empowering. 

Just the other day at Who Group, a few of us were having a very open, volleyball style, cross office discussion around our experience of anxiety and depression (I’m not alone in the world). Conversations like this are natural in our workplace and we’d be more likely discriminated against for not doing Kitchen Duty than be judged on our mental health confessions.

Here starts my rant around why addressing mental health in the workplace is so important and my reason for creating this blog.

Shockingly, in many Australian workplaces, disclosing a mental health challenge can negatively affect people’s security, rendering them vulnerable to all kinds of things.

In a recent article, (Sydney Morning Herald-13 Apr 2015) beyondblue CEO, Georgie Harman had some simple advice around disclosure in workplaces where there was little awareness of mental health issues: 

“Don't, because you might not get that promotion, you might get the sack, there might be repercussions." 

A shocking state of affairs that so often ends with horrific consequences.

In order to illustrate how this may compute, I finally found a use for the only mathematical equation I ever really embraced - Grade 5 BODMAS with Mrs Marshall.

• Brackets Take an Australian workforce that employs close to 12 million people
• Order At least 7 suicides that occur every day in Australia (5 of which are men)
• Divide There are more than 2 million actively trading businesses in Australia
• Multiply Three million Australians experiencing depression or anxiety or both. 
• Add For every dollar spent on improving or supporting the mental health of people in the workplace, a business reaps an average return of $2.30. For some industries the average return on investment (ROI) is even higher.* 
• Subtract By not addressing mental health in the workplace, 10.6 Billion dollars goes down the drain.* (*PWC (2014). Creating a mentally healthy workplace - Return on investment analysis)

My dubious attempt at using cross stick styled mathematics aside: I think it’s indisputable that bringing a call to action around how people are feeling in your workplace is critical and becoming increasingly important and relevant. 

In delivering our characteristic and tailored workshop series "Creating Environments that Support Mental Health", it's endlessly inspiring to partner with organisations that acknowledge a successful and sustainable future can only be achieved with a healthy, qualified and motivated workforce!

Remember, it's okay not to be okay, and kindness and care can save lives...